WHOLEHEARTED | MOTHERHOOD AND WHAT’S CHANGED
A couple of weeks ago during a Q+A I welcomed on instagram, one of the questions I scrolled through was “what’s changed most about you since becoming a mother?”. In that moment, I couldn’t come up with a concise answer that would be all-encompassing to the number of thoughts running through my head surrounding the subject. As it turns out, two weeks later, I still can’t. So, I decided to come here and do what I do best – write my little heart out about it.
Even my direct messages have somehow transitioned from “where did you get that top” to “I’m 2 months postpartum and struggling to breastfeed” and I’ve never invited the conversation more. While pregnant and even now, this community helped me so much by encouraging and supporting me on a daily basis, so I’ve never felt more ‘here’ for the motherhood open dialogue. In a lot of ways, I feel like we’ve all transitioned from one season of life to another together and the flow of that has felt so reassuring. In assumption that a lot of you might be somewhere between wondering to relating, I decided to compile my thoughts and answer the question in length.
So, what’s changed about me since becoming a mother? Everything. My compassion to my capacity. It’s softened my heart in the sweetest way by giving me grace upon grace – for myself and for others. Especially, mothers. Yet at the same time, who and what I don’t have the capacity for in this season have stood out like red letters on a black and white page. It’s forced my yeses to be yeses and my nos, no – reminding me that it’s okay to set boundaries. Better, even. The lens in which I view myself has changed in every way. I’ve never felt stronger, or more capable. I’m appreciative of my body and shame has no place here. I hold myself to a higher standard, constantly filtering my thoughts through wanting to set an example for my daughter. From the way I carry myself and the way I dress, to the words I speak and the way I love – I want her to see a woman who chases after the Lord. One who focuses on the inside more than the out. I’ve fallen in love with my husband, my helpmate, in ways I didn’t even know were missing. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, he takes my hard – there’s no greater love than that. The small things mean more than they ever have – and the big things aren’t so debilitating. My tolerance for what I invite into our home, our safe-haven, meet that same, high standard. I stay in a constant state of prayer. I find joy in what I used to overlook and often took for granted. A walk around the neighborhood or a freshly made bed in the mornings give me life. I’m more thankful than ever for friendship. The relationships I’ve cultivated over the years and the way we pour into each other when it’s high time. I’ve allowed myself to feel in a very real and raw way. Reprocessing pain to avoid recycling it. I’m grieving the fact that there’s a last for every first and so intentional about breathing in moments. Even on the long days and those nights that feel even longer, I’m okay. I was made for this role and I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Anytime I’ve felt otherwise, God reminds me that He moved mountains for this very moment.
Even if I could go back and tell myself these things 8 months ago, it would fall short. The way thoughtfulness and intentionality meet pure vulnerability is something you have to experience to understand. This season has truly made me understand infinite love – being her mama is the definition of it. This, this is motherhood – and it changes you.
Thanks so much for stopping by, X.
P.S. – It’s been a while since I’ve been able to open my computer and go behind the blog. Mostly because I’m so emotionally spent by the end of the day that I don’t always have the discipline or capacity to put my thoughts and words on paper. However, something shifted within me this week, specifically. I feel like for the first time in a while, my head is above water enough to pour out, rather than just soaking in. Oddly enough, it was provoked my something someone asked me rather than just feeling the need to share, which I kind of love. Unexpected and unrehearsed. Anyway, as always, grateful for this space – grateful for you.