“I found you in the middle of my mess. You had been there all along. Open arms and open heart, You called me in, You didn’t hesitate at all. And the lies I once believed, they crumble, with the weight of Your truth. And the fear that gripped my heart, is arrested, so that I can see You. Set a table in the middle of my war – You knew the outcome of it all. When what I faced looked like it would never end – You said watch the giants fall.”
BRYAN + KATIE TORWALT / PROPHESY YOUR PROMISE
I’ve never been more grateful to write a blog post – J and I are so excited to share our sweet news with you! When I wrote this post back in October, on our 10 year anniversary, I felt such a weight lifted off of me. Little did I know – those 18 months of trying would be the story that got us here.
On November 20th, 2019 I felt numb. It was the third month we’d taken ovulation medication and all signs pointed to it not working again. My body was achy, my emotions were high, and after months of having high hopes, this time we prepared ourselves for disappointment. We both knew that if round three didn’t work, more tests and a harder path was ahead of us, and because of my symptoms, we assumed that would be the next step. On that Wednesday afternoon around 4:00PM, although all the signs were there, I still hadn’t started my cycle. I opened yet another pregnancy test in tears, fully expecting to see that negative line and toss it in the trash. Three minutes later – both lines appeared together so clearly creating a + sign I’d never seen before. My heart was racing and tears were strolling down my cheeks as I quickly ran to the kitchen, chugged a bottle of water, opened another test, and repeated the same process. Within a minute, there was the + again. As it turned out, those aches + cramps I was having were implantation cramps – my body was making a baby. I sat in the floor, alone, crying tears of thankfulness. A year and a half of negative tests and ‘not yets’, and finally – a positive test and a little hope, just when I needed it most.
Obviously I was DYING for J to get home and tracking his location second by second. Such as my life, he walked in the door on a work call. I heard him on the phone from the other room, rolled my eyes, and waited patiently. Nearly THIRTY minutes later, he finally walked in the bedroom to change clothes and I said “So I took a pregnancy test today and it was positive.” J peered out the closet door, half dressed. “And then I freaked out and took another one and it was positive, too.” He literally ran out of the closet in disbelief, picked me up and swung me around the room, so happy. I told him that I wanted to run out and grab a different test to feel better about it – I needed to see the results in black and white. He immediately ran out to get one and we spent the rest of the evening cooking dinner together – in full tears. Windows open, music turned up, and both in a constant state of prayer. I waited until the next morning to take the last test. I woke up early at 6AM, knowing that if for any reason it was different than the others, I would need that alone time to pull myself together. Finally, there it was in black and white. PREGNANT. I woke J up, my whole body shaking, made an appointment for blood work with our fertility doctor for 9AM that morning and waited on results. By noon, the doctor called to congratulate us – the third time was the charm and apparently the ovulation medication was just the boost my body needed.
Because so many of our friends + family (and by the end, a lot of you) were so invested in this process with us, we knew we couldn’t keep it a secret for long. And honestly, even though it was early, we didn’t want to. Most of my best friends were texting me on a daily basis asking for updates and covering us in prayer. We spent the next few days telling our news to those who are closest to us. Stopping by our parent’s houses, over Friendsgiving dinner, happy hour dates, and finally – Thanksgiving. Although timing didn’t matter so much months later, all I ever wanted was to be pregnant over the holidays and have a baby with a summer birthday. My birthday is in June and every year was celebrated by the water, in the heat of the summer and for whatever reason, I always wanted that so badly for our baby, too. God gave me exactly what my heart desired, in His perfect timing. Over the next few weeks as we had blood work often and a few ultrasounds, we just had this undeniable peace that this is what we’d been waiting on. Everything suddenly just felt sweeter and more meaningful. We didn’t know what to call baby Runion yet, so we came up with the name ‘Tiny’ and it stuck. Everyday conversations suddenly revolved around Tiny + how I was feeling and as the holidays and new year went by, it felt more real than ever.
We’re officially 15 weeks, in our second trimester, and our sweet, baby girl is due late July. Already, each day of experiencing the little changes in my body has been such a gift. I’ve felt so good, cried more happy tears than I can count, and haven’t been sick one day. We’ve spent the last couple of weeks starting to design her nursery, buying a few things for her closet here and there, and veto’ing names. We want to fill her room with all of our favorite things and so far, she has two things that we’re so in love with. (Pictured above) One, a French, antique cabinet that will house her little linens. It was J’s grandparents and for years, I’ve stared at it, picturing ourselves pulling swaddles and baby clothes out of it. After his grandmother passed, J’s parents told us that when baby Runion was officially on the way, it was ours. We brought it over to about a month ago and it started her nursery off on the sweetest note. So much history, and we’re so thankful for it to be passed down to her. Two, I knew if Tiny was a girl, we had to fill her room with plants + flowers. It’s my favorite thing in the world and I already can’t wait for the days when she’s outside running around in the yard with us. Once we found out it was in-fact a girl (we did genetic testing/bloodwork at 10 weeks) we knew we had to plant an olive in her room first. We have them all over our home inside and out, and it just felt like the perfect way to bring a little life into the space. One of my best friends gave me the pot and it turned out even better than I’d imagined. Being intentional about what fills her nursery has been a bit of a slow process, but now that we can show you, we can’t wait to share more!
Whenever possible, J and I always choose to be together and we know that’s the tone we’ll set for our family. When I think about her being our little mini-me, and our duo changing to a trio, I can’t even breathe. I can’t wait to feel her kick any day now and watch my body change in preparation to give her life. I can’t wait for the moment they lay her on my chest, so I can tell her how hard she was prayed for. I hope she has my eyes and J’s cute little nose. I can’t wait to hear her first little laugh, inevitably because of something her dad does. I can’t wait to see her curl up beside the pups and sleep or chase the chickens around the backyard. I hope she finds joy in the little things in life and feels so safe + content at home. I can’t wait to see her in a little swimsuit and watch her see the waves crashing for the first time. I hope she feels in her bones how perfect she is in our eyes and His. I can’t wait to make her feel so loved and so chosen every single day. But most of all, I can’t wait to fall even more in love with J while watching him be a #girldad. It’s a role he’s meant to play.
Grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it.
And finally, I can’t end this post without acknowledging the women who are trying tirelessly to finally see their positive pregnancy test. Trust me when I say – I hear you and I see you. Please, please do not look at my instagram or read this blog post and think ‘another one that’s not me’. It’s so easy to feel that way – I know I did. In the moment, it feels like everyone is getting their happy ending and it’s so discouraging. It’s normal to have those feelings, but you have to trust that your story and your journey is so different from anyone else’s and not worthy of comparison. I’m not to the point where I can look back and say I understand what the wait was for. There’s been no light-bulb moment that has made any of it feel better or even justified. However, I will say that like any hard season in life, I am so much stronger because of it and that’s never to be discounted. Even on the worst days, our relationship changed for the better and we started to understand each other’s hearts in a different way. The road of infertility is long and it’s lonely. It’s downright heartbreaking most of the time. But, I promise you, it’s part of your story and in ways you don’t even know yet – it’s preparing you for something so much greater. So many of you have tried harder and for longer than we did – please know we are still lifting you up in prayer every single day. If you feel anything from this post, I pray it’s hope.
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you all so much for celebrating this with us. From the moment we opened up and shared our journey to get to this moment with you, we’ve felt your arms around us in every way. We’ve read every message, every email, every word and we can’t thank you enough for your love + support. Here’s to a new season of life together – we love you!
J, Meg and Tiny