10 YEARS & MONTH 18 / BEHIND THE BLOG

Wholehearted

J,

For nearly ten years, it’s been me and you.  We’ve grown up from those kids that got married at such a young age and tried to figure out life the best we know how.  What we want and what we want to run from, who we want to be at the end of the day, and what our next chapter holds.  Life threw a few really hard things at us from the very beginning and with each struggle, we got stronger.  We’ve learned how to take on the world together – we never sweat the small stuff and we appreciate the hell out of the good days.  No matter what comes our way, we just simply keep going.  You taught me that.  For ten years now – you’ve been my everything.  My best friend, the one I run to, my soulmate, and I wouldn’t trade one second of our life together.
 
In the same month I turned 30, it also marked a little over a year since we’ve been trying to have a baby.  For years, we’ve watched our friends + family celebrate this new chapter of life.  We’ve been present for the big announcements, hosted countless baby showers, ran out to grab pregnancy tests for them in a panic, ordered cakes for the gender reveals, given shots during IVF treatments, cried with them as they’ve struggled and cried with them as they’ve celebrated.  We’ve been Uncle J + Auntie Meg for years while we continued to pour into our home, travel the world, and have Tuesday night date nights.  We’ve had so much fun, just me and you, and I love that time we’ve had together + the memories we’ve made so much.  I think because we waited all those years to start a family, we thought it would happen in an instant.  We did everything right.  We thoughtfully prayed for a peace about this big decision and for the first time in nearly nine years, we felt ready.  Ready for our big announcement, our positive pregnancy test, and our family to grow.  In May of 2018 – we hoped our lives were about to change.
 
Every day since that day, we’ve held on to our little secret in hopes to one day have the ‘big moment’ with our loved ones that we’ve witnessed so many times.  We’ve continued to celebrate life together and with our family + friends without batting an eye, however, you and I are struggling so much on the inside.  We’ve held back tears as we’re asked time and time again why we don’t have children yet.  You’ve talked me down from a full panic attack before opening our home for a baby shower.  We’ve welcomed babies into the world while catching each others eyes across the hospital room.  We’ve checked off every holiday from Mother’s Day to Christmas and as time continues to pass, constantly wonder why this isn’t happening for us.  We started to realize that just because we carry it well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.
 
Sometimes I laugh at the thought of thinking this would be easy for us.  Nothing ever has.  However, what I do know is that all of those things life threw at us from the very beginning, taught us invaluable lessons.  They made us who we are and probably in some way, prepared us for this very moment.  Through family issues, health scares, and just really hard days, I don’t think we’ve ever prayed harder for something.  In a perfect world, you’d already be a dad right now.  You’d be celebrating your first Father’s Day and you would be great at it.  I can only imagine that our baby’s first laugh will be because of you.  I hope she has your nose or he has your sense of humor.  I hope they love being outside, running around with our pups + chicks, and enjoy the little things, like you do.  I hope they learn to serve people the way their dad does and love Jesus like you do.  Most of all, I pray I can give you the most precious gift we’ll ever have and make you the dad you’re meant to be.
 
Until then, we’ll keep praying.  Keep trying.  Keep waiting for God’s perfect timing.  We’ve had ten amazing years and a few hard days – I can’t wait to see what the next ten hold.  I love you with my whole heart, forever.
 
-Meg

 

This will inevitably be the hardest blog post I’ve written to date.  As I’m sitting on the front porch about to hit ‘publish’ on this blog post, all I feel is my heartbeat.  Waking up on Father’s Day earlier this Summer, both eager for this day to finally mean something different for us, I gave J this handwritten letter and a onesie for our barely-there baby box.  Since that day, I have prayed endlessly about this post.  Questioned whether to not it was the right thing to share, and even more so, prayed that I wouldn’t have to share it.

As J put his coffee down and with tears strolling down his cheeks, he looked up at me and said “you have to share this”.  My heart immediately dropped to the floor because I wasn’t ready.  I still don’t know if I am.  We’ve held this so close to us and at such a distance from everyone else, how could we be that vulnerable?
There has never been a time where J hasn’t thrusted me forward.  He trusts my intuition, but knows that I hold onto pain.  All this time, I’ve had no intention of sharing our struggle to get pregnant because I constantly compare our journey to other’s.  So many people, both friends and strangers, have struggled harder and for longer.  I’ve watched it.  But, what I’ve grown to realize – pain is pain and comparison has no place in this season of life.  The last 18 months have been full of highs and lows – we’ve been silent, tried to be distracted, we’ve been excited, prayed without ceasing, and more than anything – hopeful.  Currently, we’re defeated.  Exhausted and broken.

After 8 months of trying to have a baby, it was important to us that we were both checked for anything that may be hindering the process.  After a few tests, an ultrasound, and blood work, we were thankful to be in the clear, and told to keep trying.  From day one to now, we’ve tried to take courage in understanding that it simply isn’t our time.  After 16 months of trying, we decided to seek out a fertility doctor that would hopefully be able to give us more answers.  J and I both felt burned out and we simply needed someone on our team, coaching us through this.  After more tests and ultrasounds, thankfully, he came to the same conclusion – there’s no obvious reason this shouldn’t be happening for us.  Probably the best, yet most frustrating answer.  His recommendation was to start with three rounds of ovulation medication before moving on to a different conversation.  We’re currently on round 2 of those 3.

So many people told us that this process would bring us closer, and we laughed at them.  We didn’t think that was even possible.  What we’ve come to realize is that we’ve never understood and loved each other’s hearts like we do now.  18 months of negative pregnancy tests and disappoitment has felt crushing.  It’s hard to feel like you’re not broken, hard to celebrate others at times, hard to fake it when you’re having a bad day, and sometimes, hard to understand + accept God’s plans are greater than ours.  However, going through it together has cultivated a new love within us that we didn’t even know was missing – and for that, we’re so grateful.

So here we are.  It’s our 10 year anniversary today and although we saw this day looking a bit different a year and a half ago, we know we’re right where we’re supposed to be.  We have the most amazing family + friends surrounding us, holding us up in prayer, and picking us up on the days we need it most.  We’ll celebrate with all of them tomorrow night, toast to 10 years of absolute bliss, and keeping praying baby Runion into the world, together.

At the end of the day, I want this community we’ve cultivated over the last seven years to get all of us.  The good, the bad, and the ugly – the things we celebrate and the heartbreak we feel.  I’ve written post after post promising to go deeper – so here it is.

We carry it well, but it’s heavy.

Thank you all for going through life with us and loving us.  We’re so thankful for each and every one of you reading this and can’t wait for what the next season holds and to celebrate it with you.  For now – cheers to 10 years, seven of which you all have been along for the ride and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  We love you.

-J and Meg

53 Comments

Olivia

What a beautiful testimony to God! My brother & SIL have been trying for over a year as well. I pray for that sweet little babe everyday. I will add yours to my prayer list! God’s timing is way better than ours ever could be. Hold on to that hope!

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Jeannine

So beautiful!!! My husband and I went through the same thing and it never happened for us. I am excited to see how God will use you in this season. Thank you so much for sharing. We have a very full life because we know as you and your husband do, that God is at the center of it. I will be praying for you both and that God gives you the desires of your heart. 💗

Jeannine.

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Daniella

This is so so beautiful! You will be an incredible mother and J an amazing father. It is exactly Bc you want it so badly that you will appreciate it the most. I wish you guys the very best ! Keep harvesting your love for each other and many more blessings will come your way.

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Chelsea

Thank you so so much for sharing this. My husband and I have also been trying for almost two years and it has been one of the most challenging experiences of our lives. I’ve tried to be open with friends and family about it since I want to help destigmatize infertility but those conversations are always difficult and invariably someone is always like ‘it will happen as soon as you stop trying’ and it makes me want to scream and cry. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability and I’m sending lots of good baby thoughts your way 😘

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Janie

I’m 29 and 3 weeks ago I had my second child, both my kids are from IVF. Like you, we have “unexplained infertility.” Before IVF, I did 2 cycles of Clomid and 5 cycles of Femara + trigger shot, and those negative pregnancy tests were the hardest to take. We were so happy we bit the bullet and paid for IVF, because each embryo I transferred resulted in a pregnancy. A much higher success rate and so worth it. I know you guys have traveled to DC which is where I did IVF at Shady Grove Fertility, the largest fertility center in the nation. They have an IVF guarantee where for a set fee you get 6 cycles of IVF, and if you dont bring home a baby you get ALL your money back. And if you decide to quit at any time you get all your money back. Just wanted to share!

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Marcia

Such Beautiful Precious Love. Gods timing is always perfect. Thank you for sharing. Trust and have faith. I believe without a doubt in Gods plan.

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Diane

Wanna say something…God bless you and J. He knows your hearts and He knows you are waiting on His good timing. I’m glad you found your time to post this. You needed to say it and someone else needs to read it. I am praying for you both. We love y’all so much!❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻

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Kathleen @ Carrie Bradshaw Lied

So beautifully written, and I know ALL of your readers respect this heartfelt honesty. The journey to starting a family is such a rollercoaster of emotions and mind games. I admire your attitude and willingness to share your story with us and know that when it happens for you guys (and it WILL!), you are going to bless a child with the most amazing and loving parents in the world. Prayers and hugs for both of you and your future family. Love you xoxoxo

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Amanda

My heart breaks for you, I commend you for sharing this. It is so hard to talk about and it should be talked about more. It’s such an important issue that we all keep secret. No one prepares you for infertility. It was the hardest trial me and my husband have been through this far. We tried for 2 years and finally decided to go through with IVF. However, the week before our first appointment we found out we were pregnant. Keep your head up and keep praying. God gives everything us in perfect timing.

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Leeann

Today is our 10 year anniversary as well! Celebrate the 10 years of highs and low, the growth that the two of you have become, and the life you have created to date. The heaviness and struggles are all real and raw and when the time is right to share or talked about the more the community comes together to listen to relate to understand. We all have struggles and we all have fear, thanks so much for sharing and giving us the rawness glimpse into your life. The prayers and hopefulness is one of the most powerful thing keep at it and whatever God’s plan, it’ll layout for you as you embark this journey call life! ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

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Gretchen

Meg,
First of all, Happy Anniversary to you both! Thank you for sharing this journey. Although hard, I think sharing your struggles helps those in the same situation see their struggle in a brighter light. You aren’t alone. We had these troubles too and it’s so hard but I know that in Gods perfect time, your prayers will be answered. Keep the faith ❤️Praying for y’all! Hugs! XoXo Gretchen

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Carrie

Sharing this is so hard & so vulnerable. Truly, in sharing this you have made others feel less alone. I’ve been in your place and I pray this journey to a baby comes full circle for you soon. My husband always reminded me that the baby God is preparing us to raise will be the baby that comes at the right time. Which was so hard at the time, but also so comforting. We now have 2 year old twins & I truly feel like they are the babies we should be raising. All in God’s timing, as difficult as it is to endure the process. Prayers for you & your husband.

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JulieAnn

All I can say is do not give up hope. It truly happens the moment you stop “trying” or focusing so much on it, which i realize is hard once you’ve started with ovulation meds but still. I thought the same thing as you, we won’t have any trouble getting pregnant. Why would we? We waited a year after getting married (we were 28 or newly 29) The first few months were so fun and full of excitement, and by month 4 doubt starts to creep in. By month 6 trying wasn’t so fun anymore. We both got tested, I had my tubes flushed out. We were both cleared, and got that hopeful but frustrating conclusion that there is no problem or reason we shouldn’t be able to have children. Around month 12 or so I really stopped paying attention to when I ovulated and I made it a point to make sure my husband didn’t know because I believed the pressure of it all was affecting him. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary (Oct 16 2012) in Providence RI just trying to stay distracted and celebrate what we had. We’re pretty sure during that 14 month of trying we conceived our daughter that weekend. She was born in July of 2013. And miraculously we got pregnant with our 2nd daughter when we weren’t even trying yet!
I did fertility acupuncture from 6 months on (highly recommend) but things I did differently in those last two months of trying was an herbal tea prescribed by my acupuncturist, and I ate the center/core of a pineapple around ovulation time and it was also within the 3 months of having my tubes flushed. I believe the combination of those things plus not “tracking” so diligently is what finally blessed us with a pregnancy.
Praying for you both, this WILL happen for you.

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Brittany

You are brave. Heartfelt. Authentic. and Genuine. Thank you for sharing this and for being so open. While this is not the stage of life I am in, I have many friends who are and are going through what you are going through and I know how hard it is for them to even talk about to those closest. So to be vulnerable and open up the world to something so close to your heart is hard. I know this is also for a purpose, so that someone out there reads this and feels less alone. Less unworthy. Less broken. Because it is all in His time and while sometimes patience is difficult to walk through in a season you are so excitedly looking forward to it. It is your path. I will pray for you guys through this season and all the seasons and wish you peace and love through this journey!

Xo
Brittany

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Susan Hill

Praying for y’all. I know this is such a difficult time, but I know God has a plan in the right time for y’all. It will happen. You’re so wonderful. 💕

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Emelia A Lawrence

I’ve admired you and followed you for years because of your honesty and beautiful words, and today is no different. So vulnerable, honest and beautifully written. Thinking of you. You will be wonderful parents.

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Andrea

Such a beautiful post. My husband and I also struggled for over a year and had two miscarriages before our beautiful rainbow baby came into our lives. Now that we have our baby girl everyone expects us to forget the pain we went through and not wonder what our angel babies would have been like. Infertility struggles and pregnancy loss is so hard to talk about and so hard to understand for those looking in from the outside. My husband and I, also grew stronger as a couple going through that as, at times we had to admit it may always just be the two of us. You strength is amazing but know it is ok to be sad whenever you want to or need to.

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Carmen

So proud of you for your strength and vulnerability in this post. You and JRun will be the most amazing parents- you love hard and you love so well. God has something so great ahead and I pray we all get to meet that gift soon! Love you sweet friend!

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Carrie

Thank you for sharing your story. I know the struggle all too well. Your day will come and you and J will be amazing and wonderful parents! Don’t give up! Happy Anniversary!

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Sara

It will happen!! Stay positive and believe it will happen. The less you stress about it, the better. I went thru the same thing and am now on the other side with 2 beautiful, heathy kiddos. It may come to IUI or IVF but it’s all so worth it. It’s a difficult journey with bumps along the way. But it will happen and you both will be amazing parents with the most perfect babies! xx

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Angela

Don’t lose hope Megan, the same thing happened with my daughter and her husband. They both were checked and no reason was found for them not being able to conceive. It took 19-months of negative pregnancy tests, tears and a whole lot of prayers but they are expecting in the Spring so don’t lose hope, God has his perfect timing for all things. You two ARE going to be wonderful parents!!!

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NameAR

Wanna say something…My mom always said God’s delays are not his denials. Keep the faith. I was on ovulation medication too for my first pregnancy and on the third round I conceived. The only thing I did differently the third time was I did not stress about it. I know it’s easier said than done but I prayed, meditated and did yoga and stopped worrying as to whether it was going to work or not. Good luck with everything. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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Sladja

I am so elated you shared this challenge through your new journey. I am crying all kinds of tears for you but mainly positive ones because you two deserve this. Thinking of you both and wishing so much love and happiness!!!

xoxo

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Meagan

Happy 10 year anniversary – that in itself is such an achievement, especially in this day and age! I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to share your story, but now the positive thoughts and prayers being sent your way just sky-rocketed. I have loved following you for years and wish all the best for your dreams of a family to come true!

Meagan
http://www.meagansmoda.com

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Sahar

Thank you for sharing this. How brave and strong of you and your husband to share. It was as if i wrote this myself… My husband and I have been trying for 18 months in near silence..We just began our own journey with fertility treatments and have only begun telling our closest family and friends . It’s an isolating journey, full of ups and downs, but having the support of your husband and growing closer in this journey is one of the greatest blessings. I pray you get your miracle soon ❤️

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Erin

I have never posted a comment on any blog post of any kind, but I feel such a connection to this that I have to respond. My husband and I tried for seven years. After six failed IUI’s and one IVF that resulted in a miscarriage, we were broken and defeated. We ultimately decided to adopt and our answer to prayer turned one this summer. I know that words from a stranger don’t take the pain away, but know that you aren’t alone and that it does get better. This journey is unbelievably difficult and isolating, but there is light at the end of the tunnel for you and your husband. You are in my prayers.

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Ali

This is beautiful and raw and heartbreaking. I’m praying for you both. I once read that babies in heaven pick their parents, what an incredible thing to know of all the parents in the world, your baby will pick you. I think God is just making sure He takes his time and makes your baby a little extra special for his/her special mom and dad.

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Jennifer

So beautifully written. God’s timing is perfect. I understand how you feel but don’t lose your faith. I know well what you are going through as both my husband and I struggled with a very similar situation including many tears. Went through testing, ovulation medications for three rounds to always be told we were perfect but with no baby year after year. We left it in God’s hands and continued to pray and after 12 years and one loss-we welcomed our little miracle just three weeks ago. Sending you love and prayers. I hope this gives you some comfort while you continue to move forward towards your dream.

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Sara

Oh my goodness 😭 I am so happy you wrote this post! My husband and I have been trying for nearly two years, and we have felt ALL of these same emotions- somehow keeping a brave face while politely answering questions about why our lives aren’t where people assumed it would be. Thank you so much for sharing this with the world. It is such a raw and honest look into the heart of a woman who desires so fully to be a mama but is patiently waiting for God’s “yes”. Praying for you guys! The Lord will bless y’all ten-fold for the strength and grace you’re carrying throughout this season!

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Kayla

Thank you so much for sharing your fertility journey. You described all of the feelings that go with this gut-wrenching journey perfectly. I will be praying for baby Runion to join your sweet family very soon.

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Rebecca

I was told 10 years ago after every test, every fertility treatment – that I would never have children. Today he’s 8 years old. I tell you this for 2 reasons. 1 – NEVER give up and NEVER take what the doctors say at face value. 2 – I was you 10 years ago, I followed every blogger I could find that was having infertility struggles. And there were many (probably 40 I followed religiously). Every single one of them, in one way or another, became a mother. And I have faith in God that you will too. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

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Tiffany

in absolute tears reading this post. Cheers to ten years and many many more together, and as you know, God’s timing is always right on time. Much love and hope, Tiffany

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AshleyAnne

Meg,
Ohhh my heart. I literally read this thinking I could have been writing it. July marked the start of year three of our unexplained delay to parenthood. We kept it quiet for soooo long and after we shared it was like a weight was lifted. I hope the same is true for you. Proud of you for opening up and being so vulnerable. It’s truly one of the hardest things to share. Praying so hard for you and believing and claiming in Jesus’ name that your bundle will be here sooner rather than later! Lots of love & big hugs!

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Terri Sikkelee

Megan, my heart hurts for both of you. I remember the peace I had after a miscarriage – because I knew God had a plan. Even through heartbreak. I love how you and John love each other and are experiencing a deeper love than many get to know. I read a quote the other day: “What if God is preparing you for what you asked for”. No timeframe on the “prep” part…but He knows when you’re ready and wants to give you the desires of your hearts. I will pray specifically for your now. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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Kristy

Thank you thank you so much for sharing with us. Your display of vulnerability is truly deep and heartfelt. I could only imagine what that must feel like. Trust in the man who knows what we need and when to give it to us. Prayers will be answered. Bless you both and your marriage.

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Diane

Proverbs 3:5-6…Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will direct your path.

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Name

Your post hit so close to my heart. My husband and I went through the same “undiagnosed” challenges with infertility. We ultimately conceived through IVF, although it was a hard 5 years of loss and unfathomable pain/hard days/months. We persevered when we/I thought I could no longer endure the pain, and ultimately were successful & have been more than blessed with our thriving, amazing son & our journey only confirmed my faith. I now know more than ever, God has a plan and whatever the reason, I trust our journey, so painful and long, yet so beyond blissful in the end. Hang in there and continue your prayers, perseverance and faith. Sending love & light to you both.

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Christina Dannen

I always enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing. No one is alone in going through something….there is always someone else going through the same thing! Sending positive vibes your way.

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Name

Everything will be okay. This struggle is preparing you both for parenthood. Keep being Love. It will all work our. Promise.

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Michelle

Beautiful post.
I remember those days all too well. We also struggled with unexplained infertility. I wish for this pain to be nothing more than a distant memory for you both. Stay the course. Miracles happen (we have two to prove it) xox

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Diane

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. PROVERBS 3:5-6

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Diane

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. PROVERBS 3:5-6
Praying for you both.❤️

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Alicia

I’m sure you’ll get more unsolicited advice than you probably will ever need or want, but make sure your doctor is a board certified fertility specialist. Many doctors dabble in fertility because it makes money, as sad as that sounds, and I am not saying they are bad doctors, just not the best of the best. My pathophysiology professor(MD) had a friend who spent $80,000 on fertility treatments and finally agreed to go to a board certified specialist to find out he was wearing his pants too tight. Sometimes it’s a simple fix and sometimes God has other plans that we can’t begin to understand. I can’t imagine the pain it took to share this and commend your courage. I think it’s so important that we as humans realize our pain is our own and just because someone else had it worse does not make it any less valid. I’ve watched family and friends struggle with fertility and know how internalized and painful it can be. You are so strong! Thank you for sharing ❤️

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Allison

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post! I will pray for you both and i know When the time comes, that baby will be one of the luckiest to have you as parents!

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Huong

Such a loving post, Megan. Your words honored your husband, showed the level of your awareness of your struggle, expressed your appreciation for your relationship with J, family, and friends, and how much love you already have for your future baby.

I can’t say I understand, but I can be here to listen. It’s all on God’s perfect timing. He’s always there and always listening. Praying for you both, love! x

She Sweats Diamonds

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Nicole

I had to stop reading your post halfway through and come back to it, because your words hit so close to home. I truly understand how you feel and it hurt my heart to read that you are going through this. “Unexplained” infertility is so hard, because everything should be working to enable you to get pregnant, but it isn’t. Your words “We carry it well, but it’s heavy” explain exactly how we’ve felt and still feel. After 3 years of trying and working with a fertility doctor, we decided to do IVF, but right before we started I got pregnant. Our son was born a few weeks early and he passed away the day after he was born. We’re now going through IVF and continue to pray that this works for us. So many prayers and good thoughts for you and J!

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