GRATEFUL > DISHEARTENED
Y’all. Let me just start by saying this – typing the words ‘thank you’ will never feel adequate. The response we received after Thursday’s post has been completely overwhelming in the best way. I’ve always felt a sense of relief after sharing my heart with you, but shortly after I hit ‘publish’ on that post, J asked me how I felt. I quickly told him it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe in deeper than I have in a while. Not only deeper, but lighter air. From my insides to my out, I just didn’t feel as heavy, and I knew it was the right thing.
A couple of days leading up to our anniversary, I questioned whether or not I should center what should’ve been such a celebratory day around infertility, but, the two go hand in hand. When I sat down to write an anniversary post, it was like I couldn’t go deeper than that post that was already sitting in draft mode. I didn’t have the emotional capacity. Again, we want you to get all of us – the things we celebrate and the heartbreak we feel. That’s really what life is about – getting from one season to the next and mustering the strength to see the good in all of it. That’s exactly what you did for us. You lifted us up with your words, in prayer, and with your support and you have no idea how much it means to J and I both.
After Thursday’s post, we cooked dinner in, and sat down reading through comment after comment, email after email, and scrolling through endless DMs. Your stories and you opening your hearts to us in return, was heart-wrenching. So many of you could relate, most with beautiful outcomes, some like us, still trying, and others that simply encouraged us. We toasted to 10 years – our love for each other, what’s to come for our family, and this stepping-stone to get there that made our night so special. YOU made our night so special. On Friday, we celebrated with our family + friends. We all gathered in the most beautiful venue, overlooking the mountains + the sunset, and danced the night away. There was a moment that night that J and I took a step back, looked out over all of the people who were there to celebrate us + love us, and we felt so grateful. We thought to ourselves – these are our people. The ones we get to do life with and they’re all such a big part of our story. Now and in what’s to come. Thankful doesn’t even begin to cover it.
After the weekend and celebrating endlessly, we knew the week ahead was going to be a big one. At some point this week, we would find out if round 2 of 3 worked. All we knew was – we’ve done everything we possibly could. We’ve prayed without ceasing, shared our hearts, and checked every box on the list. On Monday night, my body fought back, letting me know it didn’t work. For whatever reason, God said not yet.
For the last two days, I’ve wanted to write this post, letting you know how grateful we are. However, sometimes when you’re broken, you just have to sit in silence and feel it. J and I always try to be intentional about feeling the heartbreak, but not allowing ourselves to live there. We took a couple of days – gave ourselves a little grace and wrapped our minds around the disappointment. Again. We feel helpless, frustrated, and confused. But today, we’re moving on. We’ll try again and take courage in believing that it’s still not our time.
A few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine told me in seasons of struggle, start each morning by writing down a few things you’re thankful for. Although I’m immensely grateful for my husband, the roof over our heads, etc, I’ve tried to go deeper and really pull out some of the day-to-day details that I’m grateful for, rather than the generics. Let me tell you – it’s soul healing. Starting the day off with an attitude of grace, reminding yourself you have more than you deserve, and simply feeling small is such a beautiful thing. If you’re like me, and trying to navigate through highs and lows – whatever they may be, I encourage you to shift your mindset and start the day on a high note. The lows will inevitably come and often times they’ll bring you to your knees, but at the end of the day, it’s such a sweet reminder to praise before your breakthrough. It’s not always easy and the last two days, there wasn’t an ounce in me that wanted to do it, but I did.
I’m choosing to be grateful over disheartened.
Round three, here we go – we know He finishes what He starts.
We love you,
J + Meg