WALKING INTO 30 / BEHIND THE BLOG
Today is THE day. It feels a bit weird to even be typing this, but I’m thirty years old today. Sheesh. Do you remember being 18 and thinking 30 was so old? Yeah, me too. In some ways, I definitely feel it and in others, not at all. I’ve said this before, but I think somewhere around thirty is that time in life where you really start to find yourself. To be honest, I think I started to feel that shift around 28 and it took me a solid two years to really understand it.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about this ‘milestone year’ and asking myself what I want out of it. I’m a list-maker, so I immediately sat down and started writing out some personal and professional goals. Check, check, right? Although I always love reflecting, as well as making goals for the year ahead, it started to feel like New Years resolutions all over again. You know, the ones where you say you’re going to eat well + work out every day and by mid-January you’ve ordered pizza…for lunch. Yeah, those. So, if this big, milestone year isn’t about setting goals and writing down what I want out of life over the next 365 days, what’s it about? For the past 2 weeks, every morning as I’ve picked up my computer and my notebook, I flipped past the page where I made that list. It was sort of haunting me in a way. I’ve never felt anxious about turning thirty, but for some reason, seeing it all on paper was making me feel that way. Almost like I wouldn’t live up to my own expectations.
Over the weekend, J threw me a surprise-ish birthday party here at our home. I’m too much of a control freak to know nothing, and thank God J knows that, so I knew about the party, but no details. He invited all of our family + friends and threw the most beautiful gathering. It was exactly what I wanted – my favorite people, favorite food, favorite champagne, and even my favorite dessert. He, along with my best friend, even made a slideshow – talk about reflecting on your life. About mid-way through the party, he asked everyone to gather around in a circle. J started with a birthday toast, followed by a few friends who spoke up and told their favorite memories + moments together, then my mom who could barely get through her words for the tears (definitely where I get it from), and so on.
It wasn’t until that very moment – standing in our backyard, surrounded by so much love, and in full tears, that it hit me. This is thirty.
For months, I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of contentment and I’m so grateful for that. I talked a lot about it in this post a couple of weeks ago, but for the first time in my life, I know exactly who I am. What I want, who I want to spend my time with, and even where I go from here. Rather than desiring for more or writing goals for the year ahead, that moment was a perfect reminder to just simply be.
We threw the party at our home because it’s my favorite place in the world. The friends + family around me – that’s all I can ask for. That’s what I’ve been so intentional about cultivating. That’s what I’ve prayed for.
What and who was surrounding me that night, that’s the goal. That’s the check, check we all long for.
And for me, that’s thirty.